How to Discretely Dispose of Fruit Cake

Fruit cake message image by Illustration by Ryn Gargulinski

One horror has haunted the holiday season since the invention of ovens: the dried-out, disgusting fruit cake. Fruit cakes have been the butt of jokes not necessarily because the jokes are funny, but because fruit cakes really are that bad. You can discretely dispose of fruit cake so as not to offend the baker with a few simple steps.

Instructions

Step 1

Put it in the freezer. Immediately wrap the cake in foil and plop it in the freezer with a phrase like, “This is just what I need for my upcoming dinner party. Thanks!” If the person happens to be at the dinner party and asks about the fruit cake, simply tell her your family saw the cake in the freezer and insisted you thaw it out and let them eat it.

Step 2

Bring it to a social function. Church socials, PTA meetings, self-help groups and other places with lots of people who like to nibble are great places to deposit a fruit cake for disposal. Even if no one eats it, you can say you were so carried away with all the exciting activity you forgot to bring the fruit cake back home. Darn.

Step 3

Leave it at work. Folks at work often work overtime and get hungry or are so bored with their jobs that they will eat to alleviate that boredom. They will even eat fruit cake when it comes down to it. Leave the fruit cake sliced up in the kitchen area with a big sign like Alice in Wonderland found that said: “Eat me.”

Step 4

Use lots of napkins. If the person giving you the fruit cake insists you open it immediately and take a bite, take a piece in a pile of napkins. Put another napkin in your free hand. Take one little nibble of the cake while deftly pulling a huge chunk from the cake so it looks like you took a big bite. Meanwhile, place the rest of the huge chunk in the napkin in your free hand. Back up to the garbage or sink as you chew the little nibble 106 times so it looks like you are chewing the big chunk. Drop the big piece in the garbage or sink. Cover the sink chunk with a dirty dish to deal with later.

Step 5

Drop it. This might not be discrete, but it is effective. It works especially well if you are in the midst of unwrapping the cake and it happens to fall in a big mud puddle. Ooops. Can’t eat it now.

Tips and Warnings

If you feel bad about throwing away the cake, cut it into small pieces and throw it in the yard. Birds, squirrels and other little critters will be glad to feed on it. They get hungry in the winter. As tempting and easy as it may seem to simply feed big chunks of the fruit cake to the dog—don’t. Fruit cakes often contain raisins, which are toxic to dogs. Your furry friend will also not benefit from the caramelized, sugar-filled and other petrified fruit cake ingredients.

Things You'll Need

Napkins, Knife, Freezer wrap

About this Author

Ryn Gargulinski is a writer, artist and performer whose journalism career began in 1991. Credits include two illustrated books, "Bony Yoga" and "Rats Incredible"; fitness, animal, crime, general news and features for various publications; and several awards. She holds a Master of Arts in English literature and folklore and a Bachelor of Fine Arts in creative writing with a French minor from Brooklyn College.

Photo by: Illustration by Ryn Gargulinski

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